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Berea Planning Commission Minutes: A Fantasy

03.13.06 06:28 PM – Andy McDonald
MINUTES
BEREA PLANNING COMMISSION
FEBRUARY 28, 2006

Proposed Willow Glen Subdivision - Preliminary Plat

Ranson Crabtree stated that he was submitting a preliminary plat for the Willow Glen Subdivision. The development plan is for 125 single family homes located on approximately 3.4 acres of land. The development is accessed via a planned drag racing strip through the Rainbow Acres neighborhood. The plan includes a nearby park for families, which will host a number of youth activities such as “Chicken” contests between neighborhood children and on-coming traffic.

Sandra Bolin asked what the commission could do if it didn’t want to approve the subdivision. Crabtree responded that Madison County Circuit Court Judge William Jennings, by virtue of a court order, would make the city approve the plan.

Jennings and what army? Bolin inquired.

Crabtree reiterated that the city is legally bound to approve the plan as written.
Is not, said Bolin.
Is too, said Crabtree.
Is not, said Bolin.
Is too, said Crabtree.

At that point, Crabtree stated that he just wanted to build a nice subdivision, creating a neighborhood that would combine an authentic Appalachian atmosphere with an urban feel of modern Calcutta. That and he wants to make a living, too, if that’s okay with the commission.

Commissioner Gary Irwin replied by asserting twice that Crabtree was being less than truthful and that his pants were aflame.

Several Berea residents then voiced opposition to the development plan, noting it does not take into account several risk factors that compromise the safety of the neighborhood. Risks cited include but were not limited to: insufficient infrastructure, narrow roads, a lack of protection against tsunamis, killer bees and Godzilla.

An exasperated Crabtree appealed to the commission to, in his words, “stop being such a bunch of tree-hugging pansies and approve the [expletive deleted] plan."

Commissioner Sean Clark interjected that the commission is rubber and Mr. Crabtree is glue. “What bounces off us, sticks to you,” Clark said.

Crabtree responded by telling Clark to shut up.
Clark replied by telling Crabtree to shut up.
“Shut up times ten!” said Crabtree.
“Shut up times infinity!” replied Clark.
“Shut up times infinity plus one!” Crabtree retorted.

Corporate Council J.T. Gilbert was then consulted as to whether there is any such number as infinity plus one. Gilbert was staring off into the distance, a wan expression on his face. He was heard whispering to himself, “Are you [expletive deleted] kidding me?”

Irwin made a motion to deny the preliminary plat for the Willow Glen Subdivision.

Corporate Counsel said there should be a valid reason stated in the decision if the preliminary plan was denied, since it would likely be appealed to Circuit Court.

Irwin then asserted that the development plan, in his words, “sucks.”

Counsel said that is not a valid reason, and that it would be seen as childish by the court.

Irwin replied, “I know you are, but what am I?”

At that point, Dale VanWinkle interrupted the proceedings to say that Judge Jennings, watching the proceedings on television, had called to say, “Don’t make me come down there, because if you do you’re in BIG trouble.”

Mr. Irwin replied, “Ooooooooooo! I’m soooo scared!”

Commission voted to deny approval of the preliminary plat, with George Oberst and Tom McCay casting dissenting votes. Oberst then invited McCay over to watch the NCAA Basketball Tournament at Oberst’s house, since there would likely be no P&Z meetings because rest of the commission would probably be jailed for contempt of court during the month of March.
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