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Dancing With The Stars - The Armed Standoff

11.21.10 10:53 PM – Andy McDonald
A small town in Wisconsin was recently shocked by an all-night armed standoff, which followed a nationally broadcast TV show.

After establishing a secure perimeter around the house, the sheriff addressed the suspect with a bullhorn.

The following is a speculative transcript of how negotiations between police and the assailant might have gone.


SHERIFF: This is the police! Drop your weapon and come out of the house with your hands up!

SUSPECT: Forget it! I’m not coming out! I don’t believe in the law. I don’t believe in anything or anybody anymore! Don’t come in or I’ll shoot!

SHERIFF: Let’s talk this over. Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you? What could possibly be so bad that it would make you shoot your television?

SUSPECT: Damned Bristol Palin!

SHERIFF: Oh, I see. What’s your name?

SUSPECT: Bob.

SHERIFF: Look, Bob, we all saw Dancing With The Stars. There isn’t a deputy out here who doesn’t know what you’re feeling right now.

SUSPECT: Don’t patronize me!

SHERIFF: Believe me, Bob, we’re all appalled that Brandy was eliminated from the show tonight. But resorting to gunplay won’t solve anything.

SUSPECT: You don’t really care! You’re just trying to talk me out of the house!

SHERIFF: I assure you, we all share your outrage. Bristol Palin has no business being in the finals with the likes of Jennifer Grey or Brandy.

SUSPECT: Ha! You’re telling me! Did you see her Argentine Tango?

SHERIFF: I admit, it was an arguably pedestrian performance at best.

SUSPECT: Thank you very much! She’s the worst dancer that show has ever seen!

There’s a long pause as the sheriff consults with his deputies, then returns to his bullhorn.

SHERIFF: Bob, to be fair, Bristol Palin is at least better than Tucker Carlson.

SUSPECT: Well…

SHERIFF: I mean, really. Florence Henderson’s dentures could have out-danced Tucker Carlson.

SUSPECT: Point taken.

SHERIFF: You see, Bob, you just have to realize that sometimes there are grave injustices in the world. You can’t just go blasting your television every time a member of the Palin family appears on the screen. It’s wrong, but more importantly, it’s just not sustainable.

SUSPECT: No! This is totally wrong! Brandy should have been in the finals no matter what you say!

SHERIFF: It’s not up to us, Bob. This is still a democracy; a democracy where people can vote their conscience again and again, provided they have multiple valid email addresses. Bristol is in the finals, and there’s nothing you or I can do about it.

SUSPECT: So you’re telling me you don’t think her footwork is dreadful? And don’t stand there and pretend her samba wasn't an utter disgrace!

SHERIFF: Okay, okay. Don’t get me started. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about her trundling around the dance floor like a bear in a circus.

SUSPECT: So what do you want me to do? Give me one good reason why Bristol should be in the finals.

There’s another round of silence for several minutes while the sheriff consults with his deputies.

SHERIFF: Bob, we’ve discussed it, and we all think her stand on abortion is pretty compelling.

SUSPECT: I knew it!

SHERIFF: Plus her son, Trap or Tripe, or whatever his name is, is pretty darned cute, though we should not really mention him out of consideration for his privacy even though he’s appearing in the family’s realty TV series on The Learning Channel on Sundays at 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Central. Check your local cable provider for listings.

SUSPECT: This is hopeless! It’s totally fixed!

SHERIFF: Bob, there’s always hope. There’s always next season to look forward to.

SUSPECT: Why should I? Who’s on next season?

SHERIFF: Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.

SUSPECT:

SHERIFF: Bob? Are you still there?

SUSPECT: Can I, like, just go to jail now?

END OF TRANSCRIPT

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