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Love Letters to Barack Obama

05.25.09 09:04 PM – Andy McDonald

© 2009 KYNews.org


I thought you folks might be interested in what foreign leaders have to say about President Barack Obama’s efforts to keep America safe in a manner that’s consistent with “our values.”

Here are just a few letters the KYNews worldwide network of correspondents have acquired from various heads of state:


Dear Mr. President:

Many thanks for your expression of concern following the most recent detonation of our nuclear device.

While the United States and its allies are somewhat upset, please be comforted in the knowledge that as nuclear warheads go, the one we detonated today was very small and unimposing.

Naturally, I had designs to use this weapon of mass destruction to blackmail the world and perhaps menace our neighbor, Japan. Japan’s very existence is a constant irritant to the leadership of North Korea because they have more stuff and other frivolous luxuries, such as food.

But I must confess that my heart softened after I read an article in Time magazine about your lovely wife, Michelle. Not only is she an inspiration to women, but to all of humanity. Let’s face it - the woman is Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa and Jackie Kennedy all rolled into one, only with a delightfully versatile and smart J.W. Crew wardrobe.

And your two delightful little daughters? Don’t get me started.

At any rate, Mr. President, please never mind about the nuclear detonation, because your very presence in the Oval Office has awakened me to a new era of international brotherhood and understanding.

Can we dismantle our atomic weapons program? Yes we can! : )

Sincerely (No, I really, really mean it this time)

Kim Jong Il
Dear Leader and President of North Korea for Life

P.S. Some day, you must tell me how you get such good press. The writers and editors of the North Korean media literally will not use the toilet without my permission for fear of being shot. Yet the coverage you receive from the American press is even more fawning and adoring than mine. Go figure.



Dear President Obama:

I have received your message concerning your desire to begin a positive dialogue between the governments of Iran and the United States.

I must say I’m relieved that the United States is finally willing to pursue a policy of dialogue, rejecting the intransigent and bullying posture of the Bush Administration.

In that spirit, I look forward to a frank discussion of our differences, as long as the United States concedes that the Holocaust did not occur. Moreover, I’d appreciate it if we could agree to disagree about my stated desire to wipe Israel from the face of the earth.

Let us put aside this tiresome squabbling concerning our alleged ambition to build a medium range nuclear missile – one that could reduce Tel Aviv to smoldering cinders in a matter of minutes.

Let us also forget Iran’s efforts to destabilize the Iraqi government, and kill American soldiers in Iraq by supplying arms to Al-Qaeda.

What do you say? No harm, no foul?

Cordially,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of Iran




I bid you greetings from the mountains of Pakistan, Mr. President.

Thank you for rethinking American policy concerning the warriors of God currently being held captive at Guantanamo Bay, and for revealing, in helpful detail, the horrors our fighters suffered at the hands of your infidel American interrogators.

For months, you have been speaking about opening a dialogue with the enemies of America, something that, frankly, the criminal George W. Bush was simply unwilling to do.

In your discussions with Al– Qaeda, I think you will find we are very flexible.

Mind you, it is still our position that the “cross worshipers” and Jews must be killed in the name of Allah wherever we may find them, but I think you will be pleased to know that the manner of their death is very much open for discussion.

And please know that, like America, we in Al-Qaeda are also soul searching about the methods we employ to execute our holy jihad. Just the other day in a meeting, a young man spoke up and said, “Teacher, why must we kill Americans and Jews if our God is loving and just? And why must women be treated as property? Why must little girls be banished from schools so they can be kept in ignorance and enslaved by males?”

Let me tell you, Mr. President, in the five seconds before he was taken out into a public square and stoned to a bloody pulp, he really gave us something to think about.

I would like to close by saying how grateful I am that you are committed to securing intelligence in a way that is consistent with your values.

It is our fondest hope that those values include a high threshold for American civilian casualties by means of chemical, nuclear or biological weapons.

Cheers,

Osama Bin Laden
Rural Route, Cave City, Pakistan




Greetings from Moscow, Mr. President!

Just a word of appreciation for the dramatic change in tone of American foreign policy.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s gift of a “Re-Set” button to the Russian foreign minister, symbolizing a new beginning in Russian-U.S. relations, was an especially gracious gesture.

I’m also grateful to your American press for doggedly reporting the acquisition of your Portuguese water dog instead of covering the fact that Russia is engaged in an ambitious program of re-armament. This includes the establishment of an Artic Strike Force to guard our newly discovered mineral and petroleum rights in the Russian province previously known as the North Pole.

I must hand it to you. You’ve got much of the American media doing your bidding, and without threats of imprisonment, murder or radiation poisoning! Ha Ha! Just kidding, my friend.

But seriously, Barack, you are a breath of fresh air from your predecessor, who was preoccupied with ridiculous concepts such as an independent nation’s right to join NATO.

With best wishes for your re-election in 2012,

Vladimir Putin
Prime Minister of Russia - for now, anyway



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